It’s been over a week since I’ve posted and I have to be honest I really struggled with this one… But I started this blog years ago to be open and honest with things we deal with as moms and so I hope that as I share this step on my mom journey, that it will help someone, as it helps me…
Over the last week, we have been dealing with our surprise pregnancy that landed me in an emergency room and being wheeled off hours later to an operating room. Needless to say, this was not what we had expected or planned for. As a matter of fact, after our darling baby number 3, we decided that it was time for mama to tie these tubes and that’s exactly what I did. So to hear the doctor come in (I can still hear the sounds of her stilettos in my head) to say that the test results show that I was pregnant, it was certainly a shocker to us.
Still, in disbelief, I asked them to run the tests again and again because it must have been a mistake or a patient mix up of blood work. Standing firm on her “you’re pregnant” declaration, she looked at me and attempted to explain that the hCG levels should be under 5 if you’re not pregnant, and over 25 if you are. My levels were over 700 when they did the test the first time and over 900 when they tested it again. I was pregnant.
The shock quickly wore off as I started to mentally get into mommy mode. I had done this song and dance 3 times so I knew the drill. I immediately started thinking about a bigger car, did we need a bigger house? How would we break it to the kids? How we would stop trying to sell Bella’s baby stuff now that we’d need it again. I was in acceptance mindset quickly and secretly, was a little excited over the thought of being a mommy again. (who knew) But my plans for the baby would quickly be interrupted as the doctor suggested I be transported to another hospital as they couldn’t quite tell, with their equipment, what was going on with my ultrasound. I obliged and in no time was taken to a hospital who specialized in childbirth.
At this hospital, the nurses attempted congratulating me on the baby that I just found out about and it was slowly sinking in that this was truly happening. Sadly, those happy wishes were short-lived as I was taken in for an ultrasound and within minutes rushed back out to be prepped for surgery. The tech located our baby but he/she was growing in the fallopian tubes and not the uterus. What made matters worse was the fact that the tube had now ruptured and I was bleeding internally. Not the news I was even considering much less hoping for.
At once, the anesthesiologists were there with paperwork and prep info, the doctor was there explaining that I had no choices left – it was surgery now or bleeding out eventually…within hours or days and both me and baby would not survive. Everything seemed to have gone by in seconds and there was so much to process so quickly, I only remember being able to mutter the words “okay” and “umm okay “, in that order.
Hours later, I woke up in recovery. In a bit of pain, still in shock and now awake for the news that both of my tubes were taken out during surgery. One could not be saved and the other was removed as a precaution so it wouldn’t happen again. Immediately, I felt.. emptiness, disappointment, sadness and still confusion all wrapped into one. It was late and I just wanted to sleep. I was discharged that same night and didn’t really think anything of it until the days went by.
It’s interesting how you mourn the loss of something you just found out about. But I guess as moms, our natural instinct is to love our kids unconditionally from the very beginning, and I started to love my baby instantly. It’s hard when I have no choices and when the only choice is the toughest one to make. My heart breaks and goes out to all women who have suffered a miscarriage, abortion or loss of a child at any age. It is not an easy thing to deal with. But I know and I take comfort in knowing that at the end of the day, GOD still sits on the throne and He is still and always in control. I thank Him for his peace and comfort during this time. Gosh, I don’t know how I would get through this without Him. If you’re going through something similar, urge you to find a silent place to pray and make your pain and fears and tears heard by God. He loves you so much and He can offer you true comfort and a way through it.
If you need someone to talk to, send me a message here and I’ll reach right back out. I’m also thankful to have friends and family who are supportive. Some friends and family members will be reading this for the first time on this post. I just ask for your continued prayer and love 🙂
I’m hopeful for what the future holds and I know that there is a purpose for everything under heaven. Rest my little one with the angels and I hope that maybe one day I will meet you with our Heavenly Father.